Christmas Monster Cookies
So it’s the New Year, and you’re stuck with leftover Christmas candy. Maybe you got it in your stocking, or you got it on sale, or you bought it for a party that never happened. So now you can either shove it in your face or throw it away, but the sight of another mini Hershey bar is enough to make you sick. I’ve got just the way to repurpose it all: monster cookies.
Monster cookies are one of my favorite things to make because there are no rules. You can throw whatever you want in them. They’re a grotesque, obscene, hauntingly beautiful tribute to excess. When you need salty and/or sweet bits and bobs used up, make monster cookies. Like Frankenstein’s monster, they’re a patchwork of parts that weren’t wanted that together create something frighteningly magnificent. Truly something to behold.
As I said, feel free to add whatever mix-ins you have on hand. You have some nuts? Toss them in. Pretzels? Join the party. Weirdly flavored M&M’s that your spouse didn’t like as much as you thought they would? What the hell, add those too. Pretty soon your dough will be more crowded than the sinking Puerto Vallarta gay cruise, but with 100% less chance of catching COVID.
God I hope some sweet soul reads this in the future and has no idea what I’m talking about.
Anyways, as far as the dough goes, this is my Brown Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie dough, so if you’ve made that then you should be familiar. However, since these cookies are being made out of necessity, you don’t have to let it rest the full 48 hours that I recommend in that post. Will it develop the flavor? Yes. But you’ve put so much shit in these cookies already that it won’t really be necessary. Trust me, I spent the whole time praying I bit into a sweet sweet chunk of Reese’s cup and didn’t give a thought as to the development of the brown butter flavor, so you’ll be ok. Since the butter is melted when it goes in, you’ll want to let the dough rest in the freezer a bit to firm up so you don’t get totally flat cookies, but that’s the only consideration it needs.
I hope you start your New Year diet off right by ruining it with these cookies, because we’re not going to beaches this summer anyways so what incentive is there to get thin anyways? Sit back, watch the Great British Bake-Off for the 80th time in a row, and pop a tray of these in your mouth. What better way could you ask for to start 2021? Until next time, here’s to good drinking, great eating, and even better living.
Christmas Monster Cookies
- 1 cup butter (2 sticks)
- 1 cup brown sugar (packed)
- 1/2 cup white granulated sugar
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 2 eggs
- 2 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1 tsp salt
- 2 cups assorted mix-ins (candy bars, candy pieces, nuts, pretzels, dried fruit; large bits broken up)
- Start by browning the butter. Place the sticks in a small saucepan over medium-low heat and allow to melt. The butter should foam for a while, and then will clear up. Allow it to sit and simmer until the color turns amber and it's giving off a nutty aroma. Pour into a heat-proof bowl (BE CAREFUL; hot fat is not fun to spill) and place in the fridge to chill for 10 minutes.
- While the brown butter is chilling, add the sugars and vanilla to the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Add the flour, baking soda, and salt to another bowl and whisk to fully combine.
- When the butter is chilled (cool but not necessarily solidified), add it to the bowl of the stand mixer. Beat on medium for 3 minutes to combine and make sure the sugar mixes with the fat. Add the eggs one at a time, beating until combined after each. Turn the mixer to low, and add the flour. Once a dough has formed, mix in the chocolate chunks by hand or with the mixer still on low. Cover and chill in the freezer for 10 minutes, until it holds its shape when formed into balls.
- Preheat the oven to 375°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and portion out your cookies (a cookie scoop works best for this but I'm a caveman so I eyeball it with a large spoon and got around 48 average-sized cookies from this recipe). Bake for 8-10 minutes. Allow to cool, then share and enjoy!